you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
