it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I think weed is turning my hair brown
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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