your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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