You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
