I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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