i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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