hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize