My liver just broke up with me...
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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