Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
