Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
