I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
BRING THE BAGELS
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
