i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
