I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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