Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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