So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I touched a dick in church today
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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