I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
