My boss' voice literally gives me gas
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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