The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
