Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize