my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
