I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
