Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
