I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
