I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
