dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
