We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
