the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
