one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Randomize
