His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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