it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
