remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
