saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
