You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
