I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
