Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
