I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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