I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
