Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
