we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
it glows. i had to have it.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Randomize
