So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
