Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
