So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
