If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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