i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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