In the future we'll all be gay
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
