Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
