You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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