Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
