I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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