So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
