Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
