This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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