Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize