gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
