my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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