Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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