There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
