AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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