Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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