An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
