I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
