the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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