cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
