I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
