Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
