pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
