I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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